Friday, August 10, 2012

30 Things to Ask Your Spouse: Dork Edition

Recently, I started on the Pinterest. It's a dreadful, dirty habit, but I turn to it when I've had just enough Alexander Pope for one evening, thank you very much. I usually look at it on my phone, go straight to the explore app, and cruise the humor page until I start to realize...these people are not so funny. Do you know who is funny? Liz Lemon is funny. Let's see what she has to say...

The other day, though, I came across this "30 Things to Ask Your Spouse" pin. I clicked. That could be fun or interesting for us, I thought. Definitely more fun and interesting than the Scribblerians, amirite?

Seriously, this Satire class is killing me.

So, then I started reading the questions and guys—they were involved. List 20 random facts about myself? Five of my passions? Five greatest accomplishments? This would not be a good date night activity for the Whalens. Unless we could redefine the words "great" and "accomplishment." Or if we could replace "passions" with "potato chip flavors."

P.S. If you know the Whalens, you know that we talk so much that there is very little in the way of dream jobs, influences, and pet peeves that we don't already go over on at least a bi-weekly basis. It's a thing that happens when you don't have cable, or when your husband refuses to buy Netflix.

Then it hit me. You guys! I'm going to replace these 30 super hard, boring questions with a much shorter list of questions that I don't already know the answers to. Here goes:

30* Things to Ask your Spouse: Dork Edition

1. Name a food (or foods) that you can't eat anymore because one time you ate a bunch of them and it made you puke.

2. When was the last time you peed your pants just a little bit and why?

3. When was the last time you pooped your pants just a little bit and why?

4. (Going along with questions 3 and 4) When was the last time you had to throw away a pair of underwear and why?

5. If you could punch just one person, living or dead, square in the face—with no consequences—,who would it be?

6. When was the last time you got the giggles in an inappropriate setting like a meeting or a funeral? Were you reading a Liz Lemon tumblr at the time?

7. What do you think about when you have to keep a straight face but something really funny just happened?

8. Which of your siblings' girlfriends/boyfriends was your least favorite and why? Are they also the answer to number 5?

9. Describe an obstacle course you designed as a child. What sort of injury came to you, your friends, or your siblings as a result of this obstacle course?

10. When was the last time you faked sick? Puke, diarrhea, or other, and did you offer "proof"? If so, what did you make it out of?

11. Which fictional character would you be best friends with and why? And don't say Han Solo, because obviously.

12. What are your top three potato chip flavors?

13. Have you ever had an an anthropomorphic cartoon crush? How about just a cartoon crush? (Think Disney or the Thundercats.)

14. What's the longest you ever went without taking a shower? (Camping doesn't count.)

15. What's the grossest thing you've ever smelled. Did you smell it on purpose?

That's all I can come up with now. Obviously, this list is not complete. I welcome and encourage additional questions if you can think of any.

I'm forcing Rob to go on a date with me tonight. I'll let you know how these go over. I have no doubt they'll go over better than "What is your dream job?" Duh. No job. 

*Not actually 30. Who can go through 30 questions and answers without getting distract—hey look, a cricket in the house!


Anonymous said...

What's the grossest thing you ever smelled and did you smell it on purpose?! Hilars. I'd also ask if after you smelled it on purpose, and you confirmed it, in fact, was the grossest thing ever...did you give it another sniff just to be sure?

Victoria Blanchard said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rob said...

1. Mother's-brand Circus Animals. The blue carpet in Winnemucca didn't last long after that accident.
2. Peed in or peed on?
3. 1st grade. On the playground. I thought it was just gas. It was apparently more like plasma.
4. I don't recall throwing the skivvies away. Doesn't Tide make everything ok?
5. I plead the 5th.
6. In the year 2000. Christmas program. Eddie Traxler is a funny man.
7. I don't know... Probably Jerry Seinfeld. He's a life-ruiner.
8. I can't say that any of them treated me poorly or were particularly unlikeable. It wasn't until husbandry that things got sketchy for anybody.
9. The most dangerous obstacle course was just standing at the top of the stairs and coaxing Rocky (the 25lb poodle mix) to "sic'em, rocky! sic'em!". He'd run up the stairs at top speed while we tried to make it to the bunk beds before he nabbed us. Sean usually got the injuries as he was the slowest/smallest. It usually only meant a layer of butt-skin bitten off -- merely a flesh wound.
10. I've actually never faked sick. I kinda wish I'd ever been that diabolical.
11. Gene Belcher
12. Garden Salsa SunChips; Cool Ranch Doritos; Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles
13. Lady Jaye or Rogue.
14. 7 days. Consistently when I was growing up. Saturday night baths.
15. Skunkfish. I hate that smell. I would never ever, not EVER smell that out of choice.

Gretta Whalen said...

Great. What are we going to talk about on our date?

Rob said...

@Gretta Talk?? I thought we were going to eat ourselves until we hate ourselves, then watch a movie. There's no talking in movies. Or in hate-eating.

Rob said...

and now looking at that last comment of mine, it seems as though I suggest we will be snacking on our own fingers and limbs. That was a mistake. I meant something like, "eat ourselves stupid, or eat ourselves sick". Now it looks like I think we're self-loathing cannibals.

Gretta Whalen said...


Hilarious! When did you turn into me?

jenn said...

man,I miss you two, dreadfully. now go enjoy a finger or two for dinner...

Alan said...

This is why I read your blog, despite not having known you since the 10th grade, and having never met Rob. Hilarious.

Gretta Whalen said...

And I'm so glad you do!

elliespen said...

You know, I was having a hard time deciding on number 5 until I got to number 8. . . .

Rob's comment about eating yourselves just makes me think of Spaceballs and Pizza the Hut.

Also, Liz Lemon is one of the main reasons we have Netflix. I approve.

britta said...

I'd like to know YOUR answer to #8. Or maybe I wouldn't... :-)

Gretta Whalen said...

Ha! I'll tell you next time we get together for dinner. (And I think you can be pretty sure that since we've gotten together for dinner before and will again, it's not you!)


Rachael said...

why am I so behind on your blog? regardless, I love this.

Anonymous said...

Great post; used it tonight! Thank you :)

Valley Veterinary Clinic said...

Gretta - I found your blog through FB and have spent a good amount of time reading it today! This post is amazing and as soon as Mike get's home I am going to ask him these questions. Although no joke, I was asked #3 just a week ago playing truth or dare with Mike's family.

Shari Satko said...

That last comment was from Shari Satko from your ward, by the way. I just realized I was signed into my work email and I don't know what my name shows up as. Not quite as random as a veterinary clinic reading your blog. Which means I should be working, which also means I am still here reading...