You may have heard of Fritz. He's a dog. Some people say he's a fox terrier and he weighs 30 lbs. Do not believe these people. His breed is Terrius Mysterius and he weighs a big fat 39 lbs. His full name is F. Scott Fritzgerald (not to be confused with the great American novelist of a similar name). He has a big, black, beautiful nose and scabby elbows. He is a giant crybaby. He is difficult to catch when slippery and covered with dog shampoo bubbles.
Would you like to know more?
Of course you would.
His favorite foods are grass, dog food, garbage, elk horns, fingers, string cheese, and wine corks that look suspiciously like dog turds. He also enjoys the corners of coffee tables.
His hobbies include nibbling, whining, tail-wagging, lunging at cats, and trying to peek into extremely hot ovens.
He has an ear infection, giardia, and a jacked-up tooth.
His favorite toys are garbage, fingers, and Yolk store merchandise (gifted, luckily, by Auntie Maria).
Upon coming home, his first order of business was to find the bathtub and pee in it.
His tongue is the size of a surfboard. But it is soft and slippery and sweet.
His best friend is Rob.
His biggest fan is me.
If you meet him on the street, pat him on his melon and tell him he's handsome. Unless he starts to get a big head from all the attention. Then you can tell him his owners are handsome. Because they are, after all. And maybe they're just getting tired of playing second fiddle to adorable, slobbery furballs?
Just a thought.