Thursday, July 28, 2011

How to Set Fires in the Workplace: A step-by-step guide for morons like me

Just to clarify, this isn't necessarily a step-by-step guide for crazies. I mean, crazies can definitely consult this guide find it useful. My suggestions are definitely effective. It's just that they're specifically tailored for absent-minded dummies, such as myself. If you're a crazy, don't end your fire-starting research here. The Internet is a magical place. I'm sure you can find an appropriate guide for lunatics and arsonists. Probably not on this blog, though.

Moving on, then.

1. Set the stage: allow for maximum distraction. If you can, stop by the animal shelter on your way to work and pick up some sort of wild creature. Make sure the creature is larger than you can handle, riddled with worry, and reeking of urine. (This last point will come into play later).

2. Embrace your anxiety. Trust me—nervousness and self-consciousness are friends of yours if what you're trying to do is torch your place of business. Make sure your mind is anywhere other than the present place and time.

3. Take advantage of the scented candle testers. If you've successfully picked out a wild creature that is urine-soaked and then, appropriately, taken him to the (dog-friendly) boutique that is your workplace, you'll want to mask the eau de pound for customers who don't appreciate the smell of animal butts interrupting their shopping experience.

4. Carefully place the candle next to flammable items. A wrapping station complete with tissue, packing materials, and wrapping paper is ideal.

5. Begin packing a shipping order. At this point, it's best if you forget about the lit candle on the wrap station. And don't scrimp on the packing materials. Jam 'em in that box like you're stuffing hundred dollar bills into a duffel bag for one of George Clooney's casino robberies. Go ahead and waft the tissue directly over the candle while you're packing. It's the best way for it know...burst into flames.

6. Panic. Freeze. Watch the paper ignite as if life suddenly switched to slow motion. Try to blow it out. Watch the flames expand and rise. Scream. Throw the flaming tissue on the floor and try to stomp it out with your Saltwater sandals. Realize you're wearing sandals. Stop. Watch—like an idiot—as a brave regular customer runs to your rescue and smothers the burning paper on the floor with the shipping box you were about to fill with valuable merchandise.

7. Try to disappear. You're going to want to hide from the inevitable shame of your jackassery. Remember the rule of infants: if you can't see people, people can't see you. Go ahead and just close your eyes. Trust me. You're invisible now. But before you evaporate into thin air, thank your hero, Julian. (Thank you Julian!)

Good luck! And happy blazing!


Jason Graham said...

Thanks for this. Very informative. How's your day going? ...

Brit Warner said...

Oh my! That was a good read.