Friday, November 19, 2010

This one's for Jammees.

Over the past few years, my husband and I have, on occasion, discussed the various implications of the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Now, I put that in caps because it's a proper noun. And it's a proper noun because neither of us have any doubt that this thing is going to happen. It's one of the many horrifying and indisputable facts of the future, much like heat death or the Palin Administration. There will be zombies. Even the Mormon church leaders know this. Why do you think food storage is so important? And these zombies, they won't be the undead, slow, lumbering kind of zombies. They'll be the pants-crappingly fast, rage-infected kind. Whether the infection will be blood born or bite transferred, I'm not sure. If it's airborne, there's no hope anyway, so i'm not wasting time by planning for that kind of attack. The only question left is, what will we do when these fast, angry zombies finally come?

Well, after years of research (and by "research", I mean reading Cracked and watching 28 Days Later and Walking Dead) I have a plan. And Rob has a plan. Our plans our different. My plan is better. Here's why:

Rob's plan is underdeveloped. As far as I can understand, he just wants to drive out of zombie range. When has that ever worked? Ain't you have a TV, Rob? First of all, traffic. I don't even want to think about LA gridlock in the face of zombies. They're stronger than you think. They'll just punch through our already broken windshield's (yes, both of our cars have broken windshields) while we're sitting on the 5 listening hopelessly to radio static. Plus, at some point you run out of gas, and then you've got the dangerous prospect of foot travel. Now, if you're traveling by motorcycle, that could work. You can weave through traffic and get better mileage, but then there's the question of supplies. Your stores become limited without trunk space. That's why, if you decide to travel (which you will have to do unless you have the option of building an underground zombie shelter complete with food storage...have you ever seen a zombie dig? I don't think zombies dig. Plus, if they can't see or hear you, I think you're good. As far as I know, they're sense of smell is limited, making underground a great place to go.) you MUST have a destination.

Now, I've mentioned this before, and I stand by it. Costco. Or Walmart. Preferably Costco, though, because they have a more vast selection of non-perishable food. (Remember, zombies=no electricity=no refrigerator.) In the past, I've been greedy. I haven't wanted too many people to seek food and shelter in the same place as me. But now I'm realizing, there are enough Costcos for all the uninfected, probably. So we can all go to the nearest Costco. Those buildings are impenetrable fortresses. And, as far as I know, zombies aren't the best climbers, so the bravest of us can perch on the roof and pick them off with sniper rifles when we get bored. Then, and this is the newer part of my plan, we build intricate underground tunnels between Costcos for communication. That way, we can build up our zombie-fighting militia power until the military comes through for us, which they inevitably will after we run out of food and, faced with the prospect of starvation or turning into zombies ourselves, finally turn to our suicide pistols and put ourselves out of our misery.

This plan is only necessary if the government continues to ignore my demands for a zombie apocalypse emergency plan. So, in the face of governmental incompetence, I hereby propose the aforementioned plan as the official zombie escape protocol.

And now, I have to get back to researching my paper on Oscar Wilde, class and sexuality.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Lame post after long hiatus.

My new favorite guy: Philosoraptor.