Friday, November 19, 2010

This one's for Jammees.

Over the past few years, my husband and I have, on occasion, discussed the various implications of the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Now, I put that in caps because it's a proper noun. And it's a proper noun because neither of us have any doubt that this thing is going to happen. It's one of the many horrifying and indisputable facts of the future, much like heat death or the Palin Administration. There will be zombies. Even the Mormon church leaders know this. Why do you think food storage is so important? And these zombies, they won't be the undead, slow, lumbering kind of zombies. They'll be the pants-crappingly fast, rage-infected kind. Whether the infection will be blood born or bite transferred, I'm not sure. If it's airborne, there's no hope anyway, so i'm not wasting time by planning for that kind of attack. The only question left is, what will we do when these fast, angry zombies finally come?

Well, after years of research (and by "research", I mean reading Cracked and watching 28 Days Later and Walking Dead) I have a plan. And Rob has a plan. Our plans our different. My plan is better. Here's why:

Rob's plan is underdeveloped. As far as I can understand, he just wants to drive out of zombie range. When has that ever worked? Ain't you have a TV, Rob? First of all, traffic. I don't even want to think about LA gridlock in the face of zombies. They're stronger than you think. They'll just punch through our already broken windshield's (yes, both of our cars have broken windshields) while we're sitting on the 5 listening hopelessly to radio static. Plus, at some point you run out of gas, and then you've got the dangerous prospect of foot travel. Now, if you're traveling by motorcycle, that could work. You can weave through traffic and get better mileage, but then there's the question of supplies. Your stores become limited without trunk space. That's why, if you decide to travel (which you will have to do unless you have the option of building an underground zombie shelter complete with food storage...have you ever seen a zombie dig? I don't think zombies dig. Plus, if they can't see or hear you, I think you're good. As far as I know, they're sense of smell is limited, making underground a great place to go.) you MUST have a destination.

Now, I've mentioned this before, and I stand by it. Costco. Or Walmart. Preferably Costco, though, because they have a more vast selection of non-perishable food. (Remember, zombies=no electricity=no refrigerator.) In the past, I've been greedy. I haven't wanted too many people to seek food and shelter in the same place as me. But now I'm realizing, there are enough Costcos for all the uninfected, probably. So we can all go to the nearest Costco. Those buildings are impenetrable fortresses. And, as far as I know, zombies aren't the best climbers, so the bravest of us can perch on the roof and pick them off with sniper rifles when we get bored. Then, and this is the newer part of my plan, we build intricate underground tunnels between Costcos for communication. That way, we can build up our zombie-fighting militia power until the military comes through for us, which they inevitably will after we run out of food and, faced with the prospect of starvation or turning into zombies ourselves, finally turn to our suicide pistols and put ourselves out of our misery.

This plan is only necessary if the government continues to ignore my demands for a zombie apocalypse emergency plan. So, in the face of governmental incompetence, I hereby propose the aforementioned plan as the official zombie escape protocol.

And now, I have to get back to researching my paper on Oscar Wilde, class and sexuality.


Amelia said...

It's good to know that I'm not the only person to "fantasize" about the eminent Zombie Apocalypse. I'm applauding for you right now, just in case you can't see me. Just kidding, I'm actually typing.

Carrie said...

Gretta, I like your plan. That's my plan too!! I'm mean, really think about it. In Costco you have EVERYTHING!! Food, games, movies, clothes...the list goes on & on! Excellent and well thought out plan.

Rob, I love you, but you need to think about your plan a little more. I mean, trying to leave town? Not the smartest of ideas. Especially at the climax of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Thank you for entertaining me! Miss & love you both!

jimbo said...

I... I don't know what to say. I couldn't think of a better post to have named after me.

I'm building a weapons and Slim Jim stockpile as we speak.

Cliff said...

Dear Gretta,

I very much like your plan...however, if the movies are right...and I'm operating under the assumption that they're plan will end lead to the following two scenarios:

1) Everyone will lock themselves into Cosco Supercenter Bodegas (or whatever they are called). Everyone will splurge on the free stuff around them (call it, justifable looting). Someone who has been bitten or blood infused will have made his/her way in before the zombie symptoms manifest themselves. Eventually, that infected individual will turn Zombie and attack his or her Cosco Compatriots. Hilarity and/or Horror will ensue.

2) The second scenario is much like the first, what with the looting and all. However, once everyone as adjusted to a rather dull and monotonous life within the fortified Cosco, a well-armed marauding biker gang will come and threaten to take over the superstore for themselves. This situation culminates in bloody battle between the uninfected, thereby proving that humanity's real enemy is itself.

My own personal plan involves me killing zombies with a samurai sword and napalm. Fool-proof.

Gretta said...

If the flaw in my plan is that I have too much faith in mankind, then so be it. Plus, I've watched enough Sons of Anarchy to know that I like biker gangs and I want to be in one.

amelia said...

Have you watched that rather unfortunate Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson romantic comedy about working at a knock-off Costco? That entire sentence makes the movie sound completely unappealing - which it is - BUT the Costco guys build a little man cave up in the storage boxes stacked to the ceiling. You could totally live in Costco that way, even if zombies were on the floor, and be OK.

boxpilot said...

The only potential issue I see with your plan is that you have chosen Costco over walmart, but you rely on guns & by association, ammo, which walmart has, but with which we find Costco terribly (and lamentably) lacking.

Gretta said...

@ Amelia N.: Unfortunately, I have seen that dreadful movie. But the Costco fort was truly inspirational.

@ Boxpilot: True, Costco lacks an arms department. But what they lack in guns, they make up for in alcohol, and I for one plan to take that up in face of zombies. Especially if, like Cliff mentioned, biker pirates come to take over. Another lesson I've learned from SOA: sober fights a lametown.