Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Want YOU!

To take two seconds and vote for our friends. They're the shizzle.

They're names are Amelia and Justin Lyon. Don't screw it up.

You may remember them from such things as the best wedding ever, and other fun times.

If you want to be sure, you can check out their site
, but you might as well save precious time and just trust me. Nobody in the whole world takes better pictures. Sorry, photographer friends, but these guys are IT. You keep working and maybe someday you'll be as good. 

If they don't win, I'm gonna go ape-skizzle on this internizzle. For reals.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Best. Show. Ever.

Why didn't anyone tell me this show existed when it was on? I would have sent peanuts or whatever to Fox to keep them from canceling it. I am DYING to know what happened to Lindsay after she ran away with Dead Heads. But mostly I love the geeks. Bill Haverchuck, this one's for you.

These lines from the show make me wish I wrote them:

• Ken: "I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal."
• Nick: "Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess...meat?"
• Neal: "I'm Jewish. That's no cakewalk either. Last year, I was elected school treasurer. I didn't even run."
• Kim: "Are you calling me irrational? Because I'll tear your head off, Daniel. I'll tear it off and throw it over that fence."
• Bill: "I don't like jokes. I don't think they are funny."

and my favorite...

• Rosso: "I. Have. Herpes. It doesn't hurt that much, but believe me, you don't want it."
• Lindsay: "Can I please go now?"
• Rosso: "I just blew your mind, didn't I?"

Judd Apatow, I think you're better on television when you can't just rely on penis jokes.
Freaks and Geeks has that signature Apatowian sweetness without all the genitalia.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Catching them early.

Those nutty Evangelicals. They start giving kids giant doses of crazy right out of the womb. Makes rapping about Jesus and exorcising demons look positively mainstream. Oh yeah. That's right...I guess it kind of is.

We went to Oceanside last weekend and saw a whole plebian populace of them in an amphitheater by the beach. They were all super pale (not like me, though...not pale in an attractive way) and they wore visors, American flag t-shirts and sweat shorts. Also, they walked super slowly, like one-legged arthritics, and they did it in front of me while I was riding my beach cruiser. I blame them, and not my clumsiness, for those nasty spills.

And when they're not speaking in tongues or telling me I'm going to hell, they're making creepy cartoons about why every other religion will usher you down the wide and crooked road to his satanic majesty, Lucifer H. Beelzebub, Esq.

At least we know that there really never were such things as dinosaurs. Right guys?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Getting down to business.

There are some issues we have to address:

1. Should the Nolans bring the Joker back for another movie?

Here's the thing ... they've retired jerseys for way less impressive performances than Heath Ledger's in The Dark Knight
On the other hand, he is THE Batman villain, right? Like the Joker said, "I think we'll be doing this dance for the rest of our lives," or something like that. You can't just pretend the Joker doesn't exist. Especially after all that crappy stuff he just did with the killing and the blowing things up. You know?
But no one can do the Joker as well as Ledger. Everyone knows that. I've heard tell that Jospeh Gordon-Leavitt might be a good replacement...?

2. Does Batman need to tone it down a bit?

I heard some turd say something about Christian Bale's Batman voice being ridiculous. Well, you know what? THAT GUY'S voice is ridiculous. Batman's got to protect his secret identity! Bruce Wayne is a high-profile figure! People know what his voice sounds like! He HAS to alter his voice. Come ON people. Jeez.

That guy probably likes Superman. If Metropolis hasn't figured out who he is yet, then he should just let them be destroyed. He just has those glasses. They're idiots. They don't deserve to have time turned back for them or whatever.

Plus, as someone recently pointed out to me, Batman wears a bat costume. Not exactly subtle. So, no. He doesn't need to tone it down. Good for you, Batman. You go.

3. Did Rachel Dawes die too soon?

No. No she did not.

4. Does anyone even care about Rachel Dawes?

No. they don't.

5. Does Maggie Gyllenhaal look like a sad cartoon turtle?

Yes. She 

6. Was there any single thing wrong with The Dark Knight?

Just one. Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Thank you, Christopher Nolan.

It was everything we hoped it would be and so much more.

The following is open letter to you, Mr. Nolan, from one of your fans:

Dear Dr. Christopher Nolan,

I should be PISSED that you took Batman to London and made him kick more ass on the silver screen than any yank ever accomplished, but! I find myself filled only with gratitude. Thank you for giving him a nemesis that acutally instills the heebie-jeebies into the hearts of men. I mean, I think you need to give a little more time and creep-the-ever-living-SCAT-out-of-me to the Scarecrow next go-round, but you gave Mr. Ledger the opportunity to create the greatest [read: most maniacal/lovably insane] portrayal since Alan Moore's The Killing Joke


Thanks for making me a kid once again—if only for 2.5 hours...2.5 of the most mesmerizing and torturous hours of my life. I have no fingernails to prove it.


Mr. Robert LeGrand Whalen

There's more, but it was super long-winded, so we took the opportunity to edit it for space.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Bat Cycle

Later, Rob had to change his pants on account of he got pee on them.

No lie.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

My new hero.

Ladies and gentlemen. Prepare your minds to be blown.

This video has totally lit a fire under my ass. Next time you see me, it'll be on youtube shredding up some 80's cover on my acoustic.

Actually, probably not on youtube. I don't like the way my face looks on screens. Also, I can't play the guitar.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Hey! Who Ast You?!

Christian Bale (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight) reprises his most seminal role. That's right. Jack Kelly. From Newsies.

Where is he from? The South Jersey shore of Wales?

Ya kin jes' evaliate yesself... Git out deah an' see it. That wud be wunnaful. Hey, yo! Santa Fe! Carryin' the bannah!!

P.S. I'm so excited to see this film, I may have just peed my pants a little bit.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Wall-E: cute, but how old and gay IS he?

Michael Swaim at Cracked is on the case:

  • Carefully organized trinket collection? Check.
  • Poor sense of direction? Check.
  • Curiosity regarding the female undergarment? Check.
  • Hello Dolly? Check and check.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Mikey won! Yay, Mikey! Go, Mikey, go!

Hideaway - Michael Warner

This is our friend Mikey's submission for the
The Weepies Hideaway Video Challenge. If he doesn't win, we are going to lose our poo. 

Seriously, if he doesn't OWN this thing, consider my mind officially blown. We expect big things from you Mr. Warner. You hear me? Big things.

Also, if you don't know The Weepies, check 'em out here. And shame on you.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

An open letter to the Internet.

Dear Internet:

You are a liar and a thief and I can prove it.
Read this.

You leave in your wake a path of destruction and mayhem, littered with the corpses of hundreds and thousands of journalism jobs—some of which didn't even really get the chance to start. Which means you
aborted a whole grip of writing careers in embryo. How do you sleep at night, Internet? With a light on, so the restless ghosts of the newsies you've slaughtered don't get you in your sleep?

You promised us opportunities. You promised unlimited news sources and blogs and live-from-wherever-web-streaming. And yet, you only came through for Perez Hilton and TMZ, who we're not even going to dignify with links.

We knew what we were getting into with the obscenely low pay and the soul-crushing editors and such. But if we had known five years ago that you were going to make us obsolete, we would have just kept on going for that Master's in...something else.


Anyone who
used to want to be a reporter.

P.S. If I knew an emoticon for the middle finger, I would include that here.